The 2nd annual Wacky Race - RACE THREAD.

Jay

Jay

the fool on the hill
Joined
Dec 11, 2005
Messages
11,278
Location
Aurora, IL
Before we start, a few rules to remember:

-You have to participate in order to finish.

-You cannot be pissed off if someone blows you up, runs you off the road, etc. Remember, this is a silly race, if you get blown up, you can....I dunno, chant a spell and fix your car and be off again. Be creative.

-You cannot turn the thread into a flame war. Nobody wants that.

-NO IMAGES OR VIDEOS CAN BE POSTED. Everything has to be done using your imagination.

-Have fun, and be creative and funny in your posts.

I also want to add:

No going off topic!!

Are you ready?

5!

4!

3!

2!

1!

GO!!!!
 
And I'm off... AND I've stalled. Starter primed, ready... and we're off at enormous speed in the glorious wail of the Renault V10 engine. :D Into an early lead.
 
And it's go go go! With our co-driver behind the wheel, we get a good start, working our way up the field straight into 3rd place.
 
While I'm working away on my Maths, buried in a racing seat deep in the back end of the Espace, Nigel has just roared into a huge lead and has just thrown his moustache back, sticking the other racers in a forest of facial hair before returning to the face of its owner. A massive lead awaits our crew now.



EDIT: OH NOES! Forum blackout has shuffled the order and I find myself at the back of the pack! Time for some catching up. Onwards Nige!
 
Last edited:
Lupin: I better call the crewchief about the burnout. *keys radio* Bubba, have some fresh rubber ready at the first stop; I overdid it off the line.

Bubba: New tires; got it.

Fernandez: What is his last name anyway?

Lupin: Dunno, Speed, he never told me.

Fernandez: Don't call me that all day.
 
Jessie stalled the truck at the start, but we're off the line and into the race. Clay is arming the pulse rifles...
 
After a short delay for The Stig's Wacky-Racing Cousin (or just "TS-WRC") to recharge on the car's cigarette lighter, the O.R.I.G.I.N-al Mini fires up the engines and sets off in hot pursuit of the other competitors, firing up the External Speaker System in an effort to get more speed.

Despite encountering the strange diversionary tactic of the facial hair of a certain British racing driver, the "All-Grip" tyres fitted beforehand allow the "Mini" to effortlessly plough its way through/over the obstacle.
 
Our team is making progress through the so-far-very-thin field, with Nigel's moustache and Alain's floppy hair serving as protection from AmTGMan's team's pulse rifles, as we steam past them into a hairpin and up another place.
 
Thanks to the superior evasive driving skills of TS-WRC, the yellow "Mini" swerves around the track, dodging a volley of pulse-rifle fire. Seizing an opportunity, we grab the outside line around the hairpin and, after a quick powerslide from The Stig (I can't do powerslides. :p), I give the Speaker System a quick blast to regain speed and tear past AmTGMan's car (which I have decided to call the "Pulse-Rifle Mobile" for the duration of the race) and quickly take control of the car once again.

Despite throwing a "Nice one, Stiggy!" to the figure beside me, my co-driver still remained silent.
 
In a shocking twist, Save The Earth had teamed up with Greenpeace to stop the race. However, their plan of standing in the middle of the track, after a blind turn, did not work to well. They were all run over. Nobody important cared about them. Those who did were among the mass of people.

Edit: ^ It's not a car, IT"S A TRUCK! GET IT RIGHT! :mad::p
 
The Espace has ground to a halt and the mechanics got to work immediately to replace the radiators, which were completely shattered by the mass of Greenpeace activists sliced in tiny bits by the Espace's front spoiler. Luckily the engine was stopped before it could overheat.

Radiators changed, filled up, engine has started and we're back underway.
 
After just 1 hour and 20 minutes, Team Scorched Earth is changing tires and refueling their Pebto Bismol AMC Pacer wagon. They are also undergoing a sche... "Dat HEMI 'sa thirsty sonnavabich!" ...uh that was their crewchief, um, Bubba. Anyway, the driver change is complete and they're back underway.
 
A bit late start, but nevertheless: The Mazda3 MPS sets off! Due to new AWD system, there isn't much wheelspin, but quick start, and soon Team FM is in the race! While driving, FD uses the onboard laptop to download the latest 'Toradora!' episode.
 
Red_Bull said:
Right, we've found a car. We nicked it from American TG Man, but dont worry, we left a replica in its place so he'll never know the difference.
Click to expand...

Hrmm, seems we were sold a dummy and got the wrong vehicle from AMTGMan. We were slightly baffled when he appeared to get a normal start to the race. When we went to fire what we thought was his truck up on the grid it started booming David Bowie - Hallo Spaceboy and then disintegrated. Shortly after the race got underway, there was a Finalgear wide blackout and the race was suspended until race control could get their act together. This allowed us to go out and search for an adequate racer and after a short while we had the perfect machine. Barack Obama's presidential limo. Keen to avoid a repeat of last year's police chase scenes, we carefully repainted it to disguise it from the police/FBI/army and we blasted into the race, taking advantage of Team Espace's pit for repairs, Team Scorched Earth's pitstop and generally moving up the field.
 
After a week long slumber, FATMOUSE rolls out of his bed and directly into his specially prepared command center. A healthy breakfast of donuts and gorging ensues. He flicks on the heart of the command center, causing the remote controlled cheese car to finally rumble to life at the start line.

After a packet of cheetos, he presses the launch button. And so the robotic AI in the car takes off.

The AI is hardly perfect, though, since it was designed to cook and serve FATMOUSE, not race cars. It runs over a Volkswagen dealership at one point before it learns that the car can turn right as well as left.
 
American TG Man said:
Edit: ^ It's not a car, IT"S A TRUCK! GET IT RIGHT! :mad::p
Click to expand...

When you're driving along as fast as I am, all the cars/trucks look the same!

"Oh! That's not gone well!"

After being slightly baffled at the fact that Jeremy Clarkson wasn't on my team after hitting one of the Greenpeace activists (an unusual choice of obstacle, I have to admit), I turned to TS-WRC. It seems he had changed the tape in his small tape player from his Stig intro to a tape of Jeremy Clarkson one-liners.

Hurtling past an Espace-shaped blur as we pass the pit lane, we set our sights on Teams Scorched Earth and Red_Bull, who are still ahead!
 
After copping off for a late lunch and driving aimlessly around looking for the start after everyone had buggered off, Brick Shothouse finally got started 2 hours late and have some catching up to do. Ctas and other pets that stray onto the road are no match for the Valanx's tyres as it thunders along.

Meanwhile Gromit is installing Windows 7 onto the weapons computer, convinced that it will be faster and more accurate.
 
We are off. Tony Stewart has taken the first leg. It appears as if out mods to our vehicle (namely cutting it to make way for the wheels) has gone well. The engines in the trunk were making a lot of noise and were smelling a bit, so we threw an empty bottle of vodka out the back to break the rear window. We accidentally shot down a couple of street signs while I was attempting to hook up our phone to bluetooth and turn on the radio. We have connected our laptop to the gps to keep an eye on our eurofighters, our camanchee helicopters as well as our own direction. We test our CB radios by ordering the destruction of a park. The Eurofighters do their job and we conclude the system works.
 
It seems that we are passing the same place over and over again. Oh damn it, we're on the Route Nationale 138 in France. (Google it up if you don't know what it actually becomes for a week every year). At least we have a chance to stretch the V10's legs...
 
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