Funny Jokes

http://img145.imageshack.**/img145/114/inbeforethelockxp3.jpg
 
I'll get this in, too...I made it myself :)

disagreements.jpg
 
andyhui01 said:
I think we already have a thread like this:

http://forums.finalgear.com/showthread.php?t=1511&highlight=joke+thread
Click to expand...

Yeah, but we need a sticky thread for jokes...



Alright, an Artist, Architect, and Engineer are sitting around discussing if they prefer their wife or their mistress.

"I prefer the mistress. It adds a sense of mystery to the relationship," says the Artist.

"I prefer the wife, as a good relationship requires a solid foundation of trust," the Architect states.

The Engineer perks up, "Well, I like both!"

"Both!?" the other two exclaimed.

"Yeah, you see...
they'll both think that you're with the other one and you can spend more time at the lab."
 
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. One of the guests asked, "What's that big brass gong?"

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yep," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You moron, it's ten past three in the morning!


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An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"
Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!
 
I don't think this one is going to be locked. SL65 just closed a whole slew of them and this is still opne. But...

IBTL!
 
No i think we need a permanent joke thread.

So, why do women need parfume and make-up?
Couse they are ugly and they smell.

It's a joke - ladies don't be mad.
Anyway IBTL.
 
IBTL just in case.

This one will split opinions. Some love it and some hate it.

Two middle eastern men move their families to the US for a year and they make a bet that whoever comes back to the airport more americanized gets $1000.

A year passes

The guys meet at the airport and the first says,
"I'm not leaving. I love America. I'm going to get my son from baseball practice, then we're going to McDonalds and after that we're going to watch Monday Night football."

The second guy says,
"Get the hell out of my country, towelhead."


I don't personally harbor these views. I did enjoy the joke though.
 
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report
that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel,the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher
said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the
officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by
mistake."

FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The
94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts
up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year
old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful,
knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as
soon as I see who's at the door."

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf
one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No,"
the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So
am I. Let's have a beer".

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She
said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached
across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few
moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he
reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily,
he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?"
she asked. "To get my teeth!"

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately,
their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long
time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
can't remember it. Please tell
me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at
least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,
"How soon do you need to know?"

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way
on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just
one car. It's hundreds of them!"

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they
came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on
through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be
losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a
few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red
again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she
was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure
enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the
other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through
three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned
to her and said, "Oh shoot, am I driving?"
 
A bank robbery is happening and the robber is holding all the people as hostage. Out of nowhere the robber orders to get naked and lie on the floor. The blonde bank clerk obeys and lies down. Her college yells "On your back! This is a bank robbery, not office christmas party!"

A physicist, mathematician and an engineer are given a problem: If two people start at the opposite sides of the room and always move the half the distance between them and the center of the room, when will they meet?

The mathematician says: "They never meet!"
The physicist says: "They will meet after a infinite about of time"
And the engineer says: "Give it a few minutes
 
2 whales are swimming in the ocean. On the surface they spot a fishingboat. One whale says to the other "if we both blow a lot of bubbles out of our blowholes, the boat will start rocking, and a few sailors might fall off". The second whale likes the plan, and the start blowing a whole load of bubbles. The boat starts rocking and 3 sailors fall off. The first whale says "quick, let's eat them". The seoncd whale says "No, i'm okay with the blowjob, but i draw the line at swallowing seamen"
 
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