Wacky Races is coming...are you in?

[darkshark0159]

Race organisers release this year's controversial rulebook
Excerpt:

...
76. Using race sequences to film pornographic films is completely unacceptable.
77. Teams found bribing race officials will be ejected.
78. Any drivers found with FFFFFFFUUUUUUU meme will be banned from the race for five years.
79. Teams captured by the police are not permitted to disclose any information about the race. Doing so would breach the confidentiality agreement, and we would sue you for everything you have.
80. Teams are not allowed to share or acquire any new race vehicles starting 24 hours before the race, as this is when teams undergo official health and safety inspections.
81. If a team's vehicle breaks down, is destroyed, or otherwise no longer has a vehicle to compete with, and they have no remaining backup vehicles, they will be provided with a complimentary race car, free of charge:
A mostly stock E85-Electric Hybrid Nissan/Toyota Figaro sponsored by Smug N' Gay Toyota of San Francisco

82. Teams must go through all race route waypoints before finishing.
...

So essentially it's just like the Beetle in the Botswana episode, or the USA bike in the Vietnam special.

 

[Donington]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to darkshark0159 again

Blast

 

[PaperBiro]

In light of the recent rule changes, KUIPER Racing has brought blueprints and parts from the Cars of the Stars Motor Museum in Cumbria and the Hollywood Star Cars Museum in Tennessee. We would like to stress that due to the excessive amounts of testing we've done, there's very little chance of the car breaking down at the point of becoming unrecoverable anyways. All the backups will be ready 2 weeks before the race. Apart from the Batmobile, which may take a bit longer.

 

[Cryptopygia]

DS-KUIPER Airborne Defense System comes online

Classified location (Reuters) - The partnership of DSRacing and KUIPER Racing has spawned one of the most complex air forces in the world, the DS-KUIPER Airborne Defense System (DKADS, known internally as Project A-Winrar-Is-We). The previously classified project comes following the first Wacky Race a year ago, in which missiles were used to some effect, while the Winter 2009 race saw the air forces of the former VonSmythe Industrie, Team Feraname, and several other teams fight it out. KUIPER Racing has experience with missile defenses, having used rockets in the previous race. DSRacing, however, has abstained from these weapons, preferring firearms over missiles and an air force.

"To be honest, we haven't been tackling the matter of defense as well as we should," team owner Daniel Strowe announced. "Although the hiring of Jessie [Aromando] last race changed this somewhat, the truth was, our defensive and offensive capabilities were sorely lacking. That is why I committed to this new defense system. It has nearly bankrupted us, and has been delayed several times, but our newfound financial stability has finally seen this project come to fruition."

The project was started shortly after the first race, following the use of nuclear weaponry to cause havoc. ICBMs and surface-to-air missiles were purchased from the military, while strategically placed launch sites (the locations of all heavily classified) were assembled. Following the use of fighter jets in the winter race, an air force was added to the project. Originally consisting of several hundred F-22 Raptor fighter jets (and one cyborg dracoserval), this defense system was fortified with a similar sized squadron of Eurofighter Typhoons, given the location and sponsorship of KUIPER Racing (Britain and France, respectively). All Eurofighters are taken from the remaining stockpiles delivered to the two countries from Eurofighter GmbH, who cut off deliveries after the formation of the Gro?reich. Several of the planes have been reverse-engineered, allowing Entente Nations-based companies to continue construction and maintenance, with legal protection from their respective governments.

Further details were classified, and not available to us. DSRacing has also stated that knowledge of the defense system is not shared among the racing team. The system is an offshoot, almost completely separate from the racing division. What has been revealed is that all information regarding the project has been stored only with Jessie, whose computers are notoriously impossible to hack to gain access. Security is also supremely tight, with all employees having been carefully vetted an hand-picked, and undergo extensive testing for any signs of sabotage or treachery. KUIPER Racing leader "PaperBiro" is the only person not among DSRacing's immediate staff with access to this project. Security at the team has since been revamped to the same degree that the American partner team has adopted.

DSRacing also wishes to let it be known that the FinalGear HQ branch, likely attacked by VonSmythe, was not related to this project. "It is merely an extension of our racing division. Anything otherwise is a complete fabrication. Now go away.

In other news, the land set to become the AppalachiaRing has been prepared for paving.

 

[darkshark0159]

Gro?reich reassures world that the Luftwaffe will be unaffected by enemy defence systems
Geneva, Gro?reich (DBC) - Upon the announcement of a new DS-Kuiper allied defence system finishing construction in the Entente, the Gro?reich Government released a statement counteracting the assured message sent by the rivalling faction. In a media broadcast today, the Gro?reich admitted that older Eurofighter Typhoon aircraft may be susceptible to damage and loss from new technology used in the DS-Kuiper defence network, but they quickly added that this was only natural considering that the aircraft were becoming old and out of date, and because rivalling nations had their hands on the same aircraft. The Gro?reich then went on to assure that the majority of the Gro?reich Luftwaffe has already been upgraded with newer Eurofighter Typhoon II and even the latest and greatest Eurofighter Cyclone, both of which were designed and built VonSmythe Industrie and the Gro?reich respectively. These two aircraft are designed with a special VonSmythe Aerospace and Defence-designed cloaking device, as well as anti-matter pulse arrays. The new generations of Eurofighters are also equipped with improved weapons systems capable of picking off even the highly advanced American F22 from many miles away. As the Gro?reich PR person put it, "We need no surface-to-air defence system in the Gro?reich. We have the new Eurofigher." ?

 

[vikiradTG2007]

As the start time for the 2009 FG Wacky Race approaches, a thorough re-check of the team owner's schedule reveals that there are no matching events on the two days of the race, so therefore Team Espace F1 is able to 100% confirm its participation.

As for the other participants, no interference from the Gro?reich-Entente conflict shall be allowed to meddle with Team Espace F1's independent status. We have absolutely no intention of being involved in this insidious war, and we would again like to reaffirm our international neutrality. Any team involved in the conflict which interferes with our progress in any politically-related way will be irradiated to death by atomized residue from Chernobyl's No. 4 Nuclear Reactor.


We are in this for the racing, and the racing alone. Anyone who dares disturb this status quo shall pay dearly.

 

[racingfan1]

We here at Team RF1 have been busy at work getting backup cars built for the Wacky Races, as there is only one original Nucleon.

The world's top nuclear engineers* have been hard at work duplicating the drivetrain for use in our spare cars.

If the engineers fail, we have the students at the Nashville Auto-Diesel College working on a 7.8L straight-10 E-85-fueled engine. Preliminary reports suggest a top power output of 36hp.

*According to us.

 

[Cryptopygia]

Something non-politically charged today...

New merchandise!

Okay, so the Red Bull giveaway was a flop. (Damn you, VonSmythe) So far, we have lost money off of it, and lost a sponsor. But now, we have a new source of income: official DSRacing and KUIPER Racing merchandise!

For the loyal fans of our teams, you can now stuff your abodes (and our wallets) with our brand new merchandise. For example:

• DSRacing and KUIPER shirts penned by me, and produced by Slick Attire (Pick up a Dab of Oppo shirt while your there, too)
• Posters
• Mugs
• Scale models of every car campaigned between us.
• Mousepads.
• Pens.
• Hats.
• Our patented million-and-one use powder. Guaranteed to do almost whatever you wish!

In addition, we also have one-of-a-kind plush toys of Clay, James, and I, complete with our unique racing overalls and tiny slip-on helmets done up in our respective liveries. Give one (or a set, preferably) to your young fan.

Simply give us a few days to get the online store set up, and then buy to your hearts content.

Also, any plushophiles I find buying/modifying our plush toys will be publicly shamed by me on the DSRacing Blog.

--Jessie

All products ? DSRacing and KUIPER Racing.

Satisfaction guaranteed, or your money back, plus shipping. Attempts to scam free merchandise out of us, or simply being an annoying twat will be dealt with by extreme physical abuse from Jessie. There is nothing you can do about this. We are more powerful than you. And yes, we weren't kidding about the public shaming. You sick fucks...

 

[Matt2000]

I'll take a plushie Clay, it'll look great tied to the wing of the 'Bird.

 

[Cryptopygia]

Well, that didn't take long...

We were serious about that public shaming, and lo and behold, one of you already found a way to fail in the first day. Bravo. (Slow clap)

So, who is the plushophile today? Lets see...













Oh, you are kidding me...










This can't be right. It is? Fuck...














Seriously? Max?!
https://pic.armedcats.net/n/ne/nereid/2009/06/02/Naziplush.jpg


Uh...


--Jessie

Image copyright Getty Images and PaperBiro...

 

[Matt2000]

Fed up with playing second fiddle to all the scheming teams out there (Mentioning no names, VonSmythe), We have decided to tip the odds in our favour by acquiring a pair of mint Mazda Miatas and a Toyota Prius. Stolen from auto museums and the local dealership, these cars will be crushed if other teams try to pull any fast moves.

The first car to hit the big road in the sky will obviously be the Prius, there to let teams know we are serious. After that the two Miatas will be squashed, the order being decided by a 'best of 6 rolls' game of dice. Once crushed, the cars will be dropped from a helicopter onto the track directly behind the ShotHouse car, unless we are last. In that case we'll save it for the pit stops.

We will not disclose the location of these cars, so any organisations out there can stop now. Even the Knight place and KITT need not apply.

Drunks were jumping into doorways last night as an armoured military vehicle, believed to be a prototype US 'Valanx', drove through the streets followed by a transporter truck. Witnesses say the pair of vehicles appeared from nowhere and they heard a sound like a radio being tuned, but at a deafening amplitude. They also said that their main target was the Toyota showroom, with the transporter plucking a brand new Prius from it's stand. The vehicles then drove out onto the road before being surrounded by an angry mob with sticks and cigarette butts, but the vehicles sustained no damage and disappeared the same way they came, with a few people suffereing permanent hearing damage as a result of the screeching.

Police think it's too wierd and can't be arsed to do anything, when I went to the local Police Office the door was locked and a bacon sandwich forced through the letterbox at me. Grave times indeed.

 

[Richmondgal]

Monaro back from Mars
After an extensive (and very long trip) to Mars and back, Team Manager Richmondgal can confirm that the car is in tip top shape, after getting a shakedown by the Martians on Mars. In return, RG's Racing gave them two tonnes of Mars Bars and a Bugatti Veyron*. At the moment, the car has been going through some final internal tweaks before the big race at the end of June. Richmondgal and Scotty Mcduckduck say that martians were very helpful in their setup. "You can't really comprehend what these things know," says Mcduckduck, co-driver. "Their heads are f**kin- sorry, massive full of stuff we sort of understand, thanks to our translator, but I think we still need to improve the ride." The Martians apparently removed the shock absorbers from the car and replaced with a playdo-like sculpture. "I don't know what's it gonna do," says Richmondgal, "but I do hope it can win the race. The war between Vonsmythe and Entente is giving the shits." Richmondgal would also like to clarrify that they were not involved in the incident that happened on Finalgear HQ.

*-It was a bitch to get, but we did score one... From some Arab in the middle of nowhere.

 

[PaperBiro]

Rickrolled to Death: Mourning those lost in the "Tell a Lie and Hurt You" Massacre

Never gave himself up: songwriter Rick Astley could now face a lifetime sentence.

Witnesses were in shock today as 1980s pop sensation Rick Astley inexpicably barged into KUIPER Racing's Finalgear HQ branch with a balaclava wielding an AK47 and a Molotov Cocktail.

The musician, famous for his stardom in the internet phenomenon known as "rickrolling" where by the victim is baited through a link to his music video "Never Going to Give You Up" despite being promised otherwise, barged through security to access the Meerkat Gardens at the back of the building, only to be stopped just 40 seconds later by armed security.

Police estimate around 30 meerkats were killed along with 5 people, and approximately 10 injured including that of a British health inspector.

Now under police custody, Rick Astley spoke in a press conference today of damaging tour sales being his motive caused by the release of a "Never Going to Give You Up" cover by "the-all-meerkat-and-one-talking-cat band" The Suricatas, of which the song's popularity has grown so high it now encompasses the original as the preferred version in the "rickrolling" practice, so much so that the term has been renamed by some as "katrolling".

"The only reason why anyone ever brought tickets in the first place is because of the rickrolling phenomenon! Now I'm struggling to pay the mortgage for my new mansion, let alone afford that new private jet I've been saving up for."

"It was a moment of insanity, and in hindsight I regret it."

Speaking to BBC News, producer and wife of Rick Astley Lene Bausager claimed in recent months his husband "showed signs of a readiness to crack."

"Obviously I'm shocked, but not surprised. He's been acting odd all week. Just this Tuesday he tried to put a camera in the dishwasher."

KUIPER Racing's rival team and employers of the British-born songwriter Team Espace F1 denied any involvement in a press statement issued today, a claim later confirmed by Rick Astley himself.

(out of character: BTW Espace F1, I'm not trying to get you into politics which is why I included that last line. I just thought it would be funny if Rick Astley went insane and randomly massacred some meerkats.)

 

[vikiradTG2007]

Team Espace F1 is denying any involvement in the meerkat affair, but is not expressing any form of disappointment at this turn of events. However, in order to protect the amount of competition in this Wacky Race, we would like to announce the teams that Rick Astley has been put into isolation until the start of the race.

I mean, if we want to have competition, we wouldn't want to have a rogue Rickroller machine-gunning entire teams to the ground two weeks before the race, now would we?

 

[FDaihatsu]

Today something unbelievable happened - the metro generated wheelspin! :O That was also the time when it set the 0-100km/h record of 14.5secs

 

[darkshark0159]

^Yeah, and it was also reported a group of people were chasing after your car to pick up the many pieces of trim that fell off.

 

[FDaihatsu]

Ohhh, so that's where the rear left door was.

 

[darkshark0159]

Recently declassified documents question Kuiper's 3rd place finish in Winter 2009 FG Wacky Race

Final Gear HQ (DBC) - Final Gear Wacky Race officials recently declassified the full finishing times of all contestants of the past two races, igniting some controversy over whether 3rd place TeamKuiper truly finished before 4th place Espace F1. The official laser-based timing system used by the race recorded Kuiper and Espace crossing the finish line at the exact same time. This has led to speculation that race officials, unsure of what to do, simply placed Kuiper ahead of Espace due to the alphabetical order of the names of the team owners. VonSmythe has demanded that Kuiper participate in a test of the chronography system to determine whether Kuiper is the only rightful third place finisher.?

 

[racingfan1]

Breaking news at the Team RF1 base of operations today, as the Team has announced PepsiCo. has withdrawn it support to the team through their AMP Energy brand. PepsiCo. states a lack of competitiveness during testing and the one-race turnaround of Nascar driver Dale Earnhardt, Jr. as their deciding factors.

Team RF1 has stated that this will not interrupt their plans to compete in this summer's race, as they had a feeling PepsiCo. didn't like them and they can run their cars for less than $10 USD.

In other team news, the nuclear engineers are indeed crap and cannot duplicate the nuclear drivetrain of their original car, so the 7.8L straight-10 motors, officially known as the R10N7, will be used instead.

More details to be released after the Turkish GP, as we deem that more important.

 

[Cryptopygia]

We now return to our normally scheduled politicking.

BREAKING NEWS: Missiles in Cuba spark Cuban Missile Crisis II.

Cuba (Reuters) - After a week of relative calm, the world of the Wacky Races was staggered when US spy planes discovered the preparations of long-range missiles, all pointed to the East Coast of the United States, as well as England and France.
World leaders are rushing to point fingers at other countries, although evidence abound points to the infamous 24-hour race.

Upon discovery of the missiles, some leaders immediately pointed fingers at Russia, likely due to similarities between the infamous stand-off between the USSR and Cuba against the United States. However, Russian President Dimitri Medvedev and Prime Minister Vladimir Putin have denied any involvement. A follow-up investigation (leaked by an anonymous source) revealed that all weapons were from German, Swiss, and Austrian manufacture, instead of the AK-74 or any modern variations of the Kalashnikov design. Suspicion began to settle on the Gro?reich, which consists of the aforementioned countries. The appearance of VonSmythe Industrie insignias, a global conglomerate absorbed into the Gro?reich, on various equipment has been used as a major clue.

This new evidence has led to the theory that the building of the missile sites is connected to the Final Gear Wacky Races. VonSmythe has long been a rival to American outfit DSRacing, and the British KUIPER Racing. It is believed by some that this is a result of this conflict beginning to boil over into full-scale warfare, starting with the destruction of the headquarters of the two partner teams. The announcement of the DKADS defense system may have also spurred this development.

So far, neither Cuba, the Gro?reich, the Entente Nations (of which France and England are members), or the United States and their respective constructors have commented on this crisis. The method of discovering this information has not been revealed.