The Joke Thread

Two Italians enter the bus in New York and start a very noisy conversation:
" 'em come first, then I come, two asses together, I come again, two asses together, then I pee, pee again and I come in the end.."
An old lady nearby can't stand it any longer and says: "You pigs, what a shame to discuss your disgusting sexual life on public!"...
Italian:"Hey, wassup lady??? I just tella friend, how to spella Mississippi.."
 
A union public worker, a tea party activist and a CEO sit down around a plate of a dozen cookies.
The CEO takes 11 cookies, then tells the tea party activist: "watch out for that union guy, he wants a piece of your cookie"
 
One of the most wrong jokes I've heard in a long long time:

What's the difference between football and rape?

Women don't like football.

~Jimmy Carr
 
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "you must be in management."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
 
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a pint of lager. The barman says, "For you, no charge."
 
A C string walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, what will it be?

The string says, "I'll have a beer.!@90Ksladjkln2&^^_===-9&*(&9Segmentation Fault.
 
Not really a joke but I've been laughing for the past 3 days.

Back in the late 80's when Whitesnake were really popular they thought about marketing their own brand of condoms. The motto of the campaign was:

"Don't be daft, don't be silly - put a snake skin on your willy!"

:lol:

I'd buy them if they existed :lol:
 
What's the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of ping pong balls?



Well have you ever tried unloading ping pong balls with a pitchfork?
 
MWF said:
Well have you ever tried unloading ping pong balls with a pitchfork?
Click to expand...

Yes. It actually works pretty well if the tines are really close or you use really big ping-pong balls (mine were the size of unripened grapefruit).

So what's the difference?
 
Statistics show that 80% of us live or have lived next door to pedophiles at one point in our lives.

Not me though, I live next to two stunning 14 year olds.
 
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An engineer was out one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked the frog up, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took out the frog, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm a busy engineer; I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog, now that's cool!"
 
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys one bar of soap, one tooth brush, one loaf of bread, one litre of milk, one serving of cereal, one cup of soup, and one can of beer. The guy at the check out looks at the woman and says 'single arent you'? the woman smiles sweetly and replied 'how did you guess'?

'Well coz you're ugly'
 
"Dad, is it true that in parts of Africa the men don't know their wives before they marry them?"

"That's true the world over, my son..."



The vet called Mr. Smith and said "Your wife is here with your cat and has asked me to put her to sleep. Is that okay?"

"Sure thing. You can just let the cat out the door, she knows the way home."
 
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[FONT=&quot]THE ZIPPER
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, 'Your barracks door is open.' Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, 'Your fly is open.' He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was who told him about his 'barracks door.' He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, 'When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?'

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, 'No, no, I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.'[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
 
You know you're uncultured when you think "Love's Labors Lost" is a tragedy about Kurt Kobain's stillborn child.
 
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