The Joke Thread

The difference between JLS and Futurama is there's only one Bender in Futurama.
-----------------------------------------------------------
I was thinking about starting a dog grooming business, but not enough dogs have MSN.
-----------------------------------------------------------
I've got nothing at all against pornography, but I do think it's a bit unfair that all the hot young nurses are out making jizz flicks, leaving us hospital patients with all the fat, miserable old cunts that are left over.
 
I know, double post and all but this one stands out.

I just heard Tiger Woods described as the world's best player.

Bollocks is he! The fucker got caught!
 
I put the cool in dyslexic.
 
My wife love animals, but has a real problem with anything that has more than four legs or fewer than two.

I don't minding fishing spiders out of the bath, but for fuck's sake, running screaming from the Veterans' Charity Dinner..........???
 
A middle aged woman walks in to a living room naked and the husband says 'why are you naked?' She replies 'this is my love dress'. The husband replies 'well go and fucking iron it!'
 
My girlfriend and I used to go to baseball games and kiss on every pitch. I kissed her on the strikes and she kissed me on the balls.
 
BBC News - British teen dies two weeks after falling off hotel balcony.

WTF? How high was the freaking balcony?????
 
Bump :p

Just got this in an email from someone that usually just sends crap that isn't funny, but I actually thought this was funny.



Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

images


And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.


And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....


#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun
 
You really shouldn't say mean things about people with dyslexia.

Write it down instead!
 
A smart guy, a guy with no imagination and a dumb guy are standing on the roof of the WTC after the planes have hit them.

A diety appears and all 3 of them cna choose an object to help them safely down.

The smart guy chooses a big umbrella, jumps and glides safely onto the ground.
Shortly after the man with no imagination lands beside him, also with an umbrella.

They are discussing their succes when all of a sudden they hear a loud THUMP!

They look back and there lies the dumb guy in a raincoat.

:p
 
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
 
What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breath through something so small?
 
A husband and wife are watching a TV show about psychology and the phenomenon of mixed emotions. The husband says to the wife, Honey, thats a bunch of crap. I bet you can?t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time. She said: Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis.
 
What's the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back?

A police horse
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top