The Joke Thread

I'm impressed that a joke involving UC Davis made it all the way to NZ.
 
Two rabbis are going to a bar..







..AND WON'T STOP ARGUING!
 
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice
 
Right, see you there!
A "Why am I in this hand basket and where am I going?" type of laughing today!
 
Last edited:
mgkdk said:
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice
Click to expand...

Oh, God. I adore you! HAHAHA.

No, no... Horrible. :lol:
 
mgkdk said:
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice
Click to expand...

LOL :lol:

similar...

What will a woman with a black eye do?

Anything you want!

:mrgreen:


Husband: Honey, what would you do if I won the lottery?
Wife: I'd take half your money and leave you!!
Husband: Good, I won 100 bucks! Here's fifty, now get the fuck out!!
 
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

'Tony, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your Daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

'Stay the fuck away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking.'
 
47 said:
Husband: Honey, what would you do if I won the lottery?
Wife: I'd take half your money and leave you!!
Husband: Good, I won 100 bucks! Here's fifty, now get the fuck out!!
Click to expand...
That reminds me of that Jimmy Carr joke:


I said to my Girlfriend the other day 'Honey, how would you like to go out with the girls this saturday? Spend the day shopping for shoes, lunch with a few cocktails. Then spend an hour deciding what to wear before you all go out to a bar where you can sit and talk all night?'
She said 'That sounds wonderful'
'Good' I said 'Because I'm breaking up with you'
 
George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you.
As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.I'll even let you decide who leaves.'

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so,
I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.' commented George.

The Devil opened the third door.

In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said
'Yeah, I can handle this.'

The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'
 
what's brown and sticky?

a stick
 
ashspet said:
what's brown and sticky?

a stick
Click to expand...
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A Carrot

...

Sorry, how about some proper jokes?

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven..'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the green fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
?That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said,
'You and your fucking bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

----------------------

A gallery in London was loaned a large collection of Dali paintings, and set up a display. Unfortunately, after they'd been up for a while, it turned out that some of the paintings were fake!

At the press conference, the curator was asked why no one had spotted this before, and he said "Well come on, no one inspects the Spanish Exhibition."
 
Man walks into a fish and chip shop.

He asks the man at the counter for some chish and fips.

Man at counter ask him to repeat the order.

Man ordering say sorry sometimes I get letters and words mixed up. What I meant to say was some fish and chips please.

Guy at counter says I know what you mean I came down for breakfast and my wife asked me what I wanted. What I meant to say was a cup of tea and a fry-up but instead said you fucking bitch you've ruined my life.
 
MP4/14 said:
Man walks into a fish and chip shop.
Click to expand...
A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a salmon under his arm.
"Have you any fish cakes?" he asks the man behind the counter.
"No, sold out"
"That's a shame" he says, looking down at the salmon "It's his birthday"
 
I found out recently that my Granny made a porn movie shortly before she died.

I'm not sure what disgusted me more - the fact that she did it, or the fact that after I recognised her I carried on wanking!!! ;)
 
Blake Rong is a gay fish.

That is all.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top